I really hate my life. I mean I don't want to tell much about my life, but both of my parents are retarded. I mean my mom won't let me get a fucking job yet she keeps telling me to pay rent when I ever I tell her to stop barging into my room all the time.

I just wish I could get a job. I mean I have a lot of free time and shit how hard can a small job right down the street be? I just thinks she doesn't want me to cause she doesn't want me out of the house since I'm her slave cause she doesn't want to get off her lazy ass for anything.

Then theres my Dad. I really hate him. I haven't seen him for years and when it comes to asking for something from him it turns into a fucking fight. I mean really is it that hard for him to fucking sign something for me so i can get a fucking permit? I mean really?

Also if I can't drive then I can't get a job or my own car. I mean this is so stupid there are plenty of jobs right down the street that I can work at. Even at borders, but my mom doesn't want to let me cause she doesnt want me working at any place that would have things that I can buy my fav things in.. I really dont get them sometimes v.v

If you got any advice on how to deal with shit please comment.ty

Yay! Everything is back to normal and I'm happy that all the waiting I did finally paid off cause I finally got the guy that I love so much back ^-^

As you can see from the title. I've had a pretty painful week. I mean I know being on break for week is supposed to be relaxing and fun and all, but this time it wasn't.

I'm not really going to say much since it's a really long story that I kind of hate to think about but at least what happened this week really made me realize a lot of things.

First of all always think about your happiness above all things. I know I have probably have heard this a million times, but not really thought about it until I lost the happiness from being with the one I truly loved a lot. I know it kind of sounds stupid, but sometimes for me it takes a while for things to sink in. I basically have to get hit in the face with it before I know why they said it and what they meant when they said it.

Second Is always, always think before you do something so stupid. I mean I did think about what was going on in my life with my ex. I had loved him a lot and I was as happy as I had ever been in my whole life. I trusted him and he trusted me and I thought that nothing could ever go wrong and that this happiness would go on forever, but I was wrong.

Right before the homecoming football game my ex(but bf at that time) told me he had to go away for a little while to think So I was like "ok. take as much time as you need". Then after he left and I left for the game I felt kind of lonely,but I knew he wouldn't be gone that long and I trusted him. I had fun at the game and there were firework and hanging out with my friends was awesome too.

Then the next day I spent making sure I had everything for the homecoming dance and I had gotten a very shocking visiter come see me that I haven't seen in 8 weeks show up out of now where. I mean this was the guy who fuckng played with my heart and had his friends come after me over and over just to guilt trip me back into going out with him. I talked to him for a little and some of my friends told me he had changed and stuff, but I ignored it and stayed true to my bf. I tried not thinking about my ex or any other problems that night as I had fun dancing with my friends until drama started. I had to break it up and I tried to stop it from getting worse.

My two best friends slept over my house and it we were having fun until we got online. For many reasons:

1) My bf was online (I didn't think he would come back after such a short time so it was shocking)
2) my ex was on and he wasn't helping much with all the flirting and shit
3)all his friends were quilting me back into getting with him again
4) everyone was pressuring me to decide on who to be with
5) I couldn't think straight after having tons of sugar
6) not having enough time to speak my mind to everyone before they went off to bed (this was really late at night btw)

So with all of that coming at me at once. I did the stupidest thing and made a pros and cons list for both of them. Come to find out my ex who kept fucking with my heart had the better averages and shit. It kind of shocked me and pissed me off. It pissed me off because it confused me more and didn't help with picking who I wanted to be with.

This was all stupid and pointless. I should have waited for the next day to think and make the decision, but with all the pressure around me I felt like I had to pick then and there......so I did......I did the stupidest thing that would make anyone want to hit me over the head with something.....I had picked my ex who was the one who fucked with my heart. It's really stupid I know that now, but I thought I was doing the best thing since I thought he had changed......

Everything we down hill from there after that night. I mean the next day I felt numb and everything felt awkward. I thought I would be happy like I was with the guy I was in love with before I broke up with him to get back with my ex, but I was so wrong I just wanted to shoot myself. I mean really I did. After about two or three days of being with my ex it made me realize he hadn't changed one bit. I was pissed and also depressed. I felt so ashamed of myself for falling for it again.

I was depressed just thinking about how bad I fucked up. Im still depressed about it, but I'm trying to fix things with the guy I was truly in love with. I know things won't be the same, but I'm working hard to get to where we were again even if it means waiting for him as long as he needs just to be back with him. I really want to get back with him since I want to be in that happy place with him again. I hate myself for doing something so fucking stupid like that. I shouldn't have broken up with him in the first place cause I hurt him so badly and I even hurt myself. I had ruined the happy place we were both in and it's all fault. I shouldn't have let all those things get in the way of my own happiness. If I could take it back I would. If I could go back in time and make myself think stair I would. I know he forgave me and everything, but I know I can never forgive myself for doing such a thing. I'm glad that he's making me wait since it's making me see all the stupid things that I did and how I should have been selfish and thought of my own happiness instead of others opinions.

I'll be waiting for him for as long as it takes. Just knowing that he will take me back one day makes me happy and I'll be waiting to be happy and by his side again. To be there always and never leave his side again. I hate myself for doing all these things to him and for also breaking that promise to myself that I had made.

So hopefully this week will be better than the last.....

I feel really depressed right now so im just going to put this poem i wrote up.

Depression is a dark gray
It smells like the smoke you see in a fire
With each breath you take it chokes you
Depression has no sound,
But you can feel it as it drags you down
Slowly making you feel,
Less--Less-- then nothing

You feel like your alone in a dark room
There’s no light to find your way out
Some can’t tell you are feeling this way on the inside
Since most hide it behind a fake mask
Just waiting to break

Trying your hardest to hold on to reality
And let go of the past
You keep asking “why is this happening to me?”
But you can’t explain why you can’t let go
Trying to find your way out of the deep depths of darkness
Not knowing how long you would have to wait
To see the light in the dark room

Rules:

1. Publish these rules in your journal
2. Each tagged person will write 8 things about themselves in their journals.
3. At the end you will choose 6 people who will be tagged and publish their icons.
4. Go to their page and send a message to let them know they've been tagged.
5. Don't tag the person who has tagged you.

1.I love anime to no end.
2. My drawings suck
3.I hate getting sunburns
4.I have bad luck with love
5. I finally got my braces off
6.I fail at almost everything
7. I wish I had a BF in RL
8.I wish I had a different life sometimes because of all the bad luck I've had



*Important!*
I'm willing to take some free requests that I haven't done in a while so yeah.I also need a little bit more practice so thats why I'm doing it. The first ten people to ask me for a request will get it. Thanks ^-^